A Mother’s Journal

mothers

May 15, 2010

Last night was not a good night. I went over to my son’s to help him with some things he had to do around his apartment (moving forward). I arrived there at the time I had told him I would be there. He met me at the door and told me he would be upstairs for a few minutes. I started cleaning….a few minutes turned into half an hour and I started thinking….I did not want to cross a line with myself. I did. I had been asking him about a ring which his sister had given him (my daughter is not well right now). I kept thinking about it. I began to look (yes, snoop). That’s what I have learned to do over the years with his addictions. I have asked him so many times about it. He kept telling me it was in the top drawer of his dresser. I did not want him to think I “still” did not trust him. But today was different. With everything she has gone through I called his bluff. I looked. It was not there. I was screaming inside: “We can’t do this any more!!!”

45 minutes later he finally comes down to his apartment. He was stoned. I was angry and anxious. I had worked all day and come over to help him and he had to go and smoke his weed first. I WAS ANGRY. I asked him where the ring was. He flipped out on me. He told me I was a snoop. Considering that’s how a considerable amount of our precious items went missing I felt it quite ironic for him to say this. He told me he pawned the ring. I was so angry. I told him that drugs were more important than his family. He told me he wanted me to leave. I obliged and was determined not to let this get to me. IT DID. Today is another day and I still wonder what I can do as a parent to get our family back together. ADDICTION has done so much damage to our family.

Early May

I happened on this website, as I work for a social worker. I have decided to make a journal commitment as I do not have an avenue of support that I feel comfortable with and if I believe opening my heart and life to you would help me greatly.

Our family has been dealing with my son’s addiction for almost 10 years now. His extreme drug of choice (the one that sent him over the edge) was Oxycontin. It has been a rollercoaster for the past 5 years now. He is enrolled in the methadone program and has been attending for about 3 years. He had all of his “carries” (the maximum amount of methadone anyone can take home). He lost them due to an altercation which occurred on the clinic site. He has been warned.

I could go on and on. I probably should have started this blurb years ago as a lot has occurred and it would take quite some time to catch up. So let’s just say that our story begins TODAY.

P.S.

FGTA asked me to explain about “carries.” When someone enters the methadone program, they attend the clinic daily for their dose and must have urine tests twice a week to determine whether or not they are still using. Once their “urines” are deemed clean they are slowly introduced to being permitted to take their dose home with them. The medication has to be kept in a lock box. Eventually the client only has to go once a week for a urine test and to pick up their meds.
Andrew had lost his carries before, but this last time was for a fight he got into outside of the clinic with an old dealer. When entering the program the client must sign a code of ethics. This stipulates that there must not been any disruption to the clinic or its other clients. He was given a warning letter and if it happens again he will be removed from the program.